So babies get a lot of bad press. In fact, like celebrities, babies should hire publicists to counter all the negative PR they receive. The sleepless nights, the night feeds, the teething, the winding, the colic…Don’t mention the colic! It’s a minefield.
Myself and my girlfriends who have young kids are all on a What’s App group. Initially, it was started because the rest of our girl gang did not need to be hearing about cracked nipples and pelvic floor exercises. And while they appreciated that they weren’t privy to the more graphic content of our messages, they did lament the fact that they missed out on some of the cute baby pictures that inevitably went flying around. Some of the pics. Even I reach a saturation point when it comes to baby pictures. So we try not to overdo it.
So for my pals who will one day make amazing mothers, here’s my take on what’ll be the most fantastic adventure.
Think of me as a spin doctor for your future children.
1) You’ll never believe the amount of laundry generated by your baby. And yet, the smell of a baby in a fresh baby grow is addictive.
2) The sensation of patting your baby’s nappy clad bum is extremely satisfying. I have no idea why.
3) A fresh nappy is a dirty nappy. As soon as you change your baby’s nappy, they’ll suddenly look like they’re trying to solve a quadratic equation, which you’ll recognise as their poo face. And yet changing nappies isn’t actually that tortuous. Unless they start flailing on the changing table, then it goes everywhere.
4) You’ll be able to push a baby out without an epidural. Well maybe your second, as was my case. The pain will cease and your body will take over. And then you’ll be holding your miracle before you know it.
5) The sensation of your boobs filling with milk is truly bizarre. As is looking at one boob which is full with milk, versus the boob which has been used to feed. And you’ll be so impressed with your new super power.
6) You can survive on less sleep than you can ever imagine. And still be a nice person.
7) You’ll look at your partner in a whole different light when you see them make your baby laugh for the first time.
8) Your child will be the most gifted, advanced, cutest baby ever to be born and you’ll feel sorry for all the other mums unfortunate enough to have a baby around the same time as you.
9) Pregnancy, labour, colic and teething are all worth the magic that comes when Christmas arrives in your house after a long sabbatical.
10) I will give you an amazing gift to welcome your baby. And yet in a month you won’t remember I even gave you a present. That’ll be down to the baby fog. But it won’t matter. Because I’ll be there on the What’s App group to answer any question you have, the more graphic the better.